Trying different stuff

I spent a lot of time social media-ing yesterday. Not happy about that. This morning, I didn’t spend so much time on social media, but I did spend a lot of time on the internet, in general.

I was reading up on a bunch of old “mommy bloggers” I used to follow back in the day. I was a huge fan of a blog called Suburban Bliss. Another blog I followed, dooce, is still going.

Melissa Summers of Suburban Bliss moved to Instagram at some point, and her website got snatched up by someone trying to capitalize on the name, so she doesn’t blog anymore. She does post on Instagram and it’s engaging and I like it, so I spent at least an hour looking at her photos and reading about her. Kind of cool to see pics of her kids who were so little at one point and one is now in college. Blows my mind.

Heather Armstrong of dooce was never one of my favorites, but I would binge read her blog every now and then when another blogger would post about it. I think my big problem with her was how obsessive she seemed to be about most things. Exercise. Diet. Parenting. Decorating. Marriage. Divorce. Travel. Marathons. Outfits. Pets. Everything was so intense for her, and I just didn’t relate to that. Melissa was obsessive about her mental health, but somehow that came across more as endearing to me, less “I have to be perfect”, more “I’m just trying to survive”. Heather’s quest for perfection is what made her so interesting but also so polarizing, I think. In reading her blog this morning, I realized that even the “pathologically trying to be perfect” folks are fucked up. I can see myself in her, just as I see myself in Melissa. I guess the takeaway is that we’re all just human, folks. My interest is piqued that she is now podcasting…I guess podcasts are the new blog, eh?

It was a delightful bit of internet research this morning. I don’t regret it, because it’s Saturday morning and we’re just hanging out anyway. Come later tonight, I’m going to be all “I can’t believe I wasted that time”, though. That and all of the social media between when I was done with reading up on the bloggers and trying to compose this post. Edit: I’m STILL ARGUING ON THE INTERNET. MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STAHHHHHHHPPPP!!!

Awareness is part of the problem right?

One of the things I’m hoping to try is a combo of L-tyrosine, B-vitamins, and fish oil. I already take B vitamins most days, and about half of the days I take fish oil. The tyrosine is new. Supposedly, it helps your thyroid work better (weight loss, I’ll take it!). But it also is supposedly a precursor to dopamine. Dopamine is that great focus neurotransmitter, right? So supposedly more tyrosine = more dopamine = less trying to find interesting stuff to keep my focus. Soooo…who knows?






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I kicked ass! My only real goal was to make journaling a solid habit and…here we are.

The 6th was actually posted on the day of, but I posted from my phone and the calendar was wonky as a result, so it registered on the day after.

A few of the days I missed in the last couple of weeks I actually “mentally journaled” from bed. I think the only day I really missed without registering anything on the matter was the 28th. Just didn’t get it in because I was brain dead.

I am solidly stoked!

Now that I have this journaling thing down, I think it’s time to start limiting my social media consumption. I was hoping to make February my month for tweaking my diet and losing some serious weight, but just giving up wine in January has helped me drop almost ten pounds. I think if I stay off the sauce and keep my carb intake low, while really focusing on nutrition…it will come off slowly. Maybe that’s not what I want, but it’s the best thing for me. Right?

Yay for good things!


Today’s my birthday, and it was a good one! I had fun, was surrounded by friends and went to dinner with my family. Very good day.

But now I’m back and realize that I have 2-ish days left on a dietbet that I haven’t lost enough weight on and it’s pissing me off. This is the second one I’ve done and haven’t lost quite enough. About a week ago, I was one pound short of my goal. Since then, I’ve been eating too many carbs (and totally not sticking to my 23andme study, either). Hopefully, my updating of that study will reflect that. Dang!

SOOOO…tomorrow it’s all salad and protein and same for Monday. Man, what a bummer. Hope I can get my weight to just below the cut off so I can get some momentum to keep going. I know this wasn’t my goal for January, but it feels like it was. Blah!

Oh well, at least I’m journaling!


I’m in a funk.

If I’m not working, I wake up in the morning between 7 and 7:30. Take my kid to school. I am home by 8:20.

I then proceed to sit on my butt at my desk and do nothing but surf the web, mainly while trolling Facebook and Twitter, and do absolutely NOTHING useful. For about 4-5 hours. Then I eat. Then I come home and do it again. Oh my God, it’s the worst feeling. I mean, I hate having to bow to pressure and deadlines and deal with bureaucracy (most jobs/work), but the feeling of absolute sloth at doing nothing feels awful. Really, really, REALLY AWFUL.

As I laid out in this post at the end of 2017, I had some goals for the coming year:

  • 30 day goal: Journal every single day.
  • 60 day goal: I’d like to work hard on my eating.
  • 90 day goal: Break a sweat for 30 minutes every damn day.
  • 120 day goal: Money.
  • 150 day goal: Focus on clutter.
  • 180 day goal: Start doing some serious photography again.

I totally kicked that 30 day goal’s ass. I know I have a week left in January, but I started journaling the last week of December, so I’m very happy with how that goal turned out. It was my only real “resolution” for 2018.

I gave up drinking, too, and have mainly focused on my eating. So for my 30-60 day goal, which included those two items, I think I’m going to scrap them and update this 60 day goal to be one of reducing screen time. I sincerely feel that will make my life so much better and make those other goals more sustainable.

To do this, I have an app on my computer: Self-Control. I also have an app on my phone: Forest. Self-Control is much more draconian. You can’t shut it off, even with a reboot. Forest is nicer…it uses positive reinforcement. Obviously, Self-Control is much more effective. LOL

As I get into the end of January, I’ll start to come up with a schedule, set boundaries, make plans and really focus on cutting back on screen time. It’s having a negative effect on my mental and physical health and it’s totally freaking useless! Okay, honestly, it’s not all useless. I have to be honest here. When my son was super duper sick in elementary school, I had to stay at home with him and I couldn’t leave the house. At all. It was my absolute lifeline. I don’t know what I would have done without social media back then. But now…I have multiple social outlets and I do get to work most days if I want to. I have a lot more of a support network than I did. It’s better. (Now that I’m thinking about it, thinking back to that time when he was in the hospital…I have lots of feelings about it that I really need to write about. Yay, journaling!) But anyway…right now, social media is killing my health and making me grumpy. I will reduce it and make it a force for good. Fingers crossed!

Missed another day

Last night, while I was in bed with my eyes shut, I realized that I didn’t log anything in the morning because I was literally gone all day, except for about 20 minutes around lunch, and 20 minutes around dinner. And I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

But yeah, last night, while my head was on the pillow, I knew this and said to myself, “I am mentally journaling right now. My journal entry would be “I’m journaling.” Haha.

But today, here I am. Not much to say other than I’m down several pounds and making good choices. Yeehaw!

Did I forget a day?


Old Me, who would have thought in black and white terms, with no grey area, would be screaming right now. There would be a ton of “should” statements.

New Me says “fuck it”.

At least I have the routine in place. I do like journaling. It makes me feel good, I enjoy it, and I honestly need it at this point. I needed something to replace the wine and snacking, something for my anxiety. I’m down almost 10 pounds from the start of the new year and haven’t had any wine for almost three weeks! Sweet. Part of me does wonder if the weight loss is solely from not drinking. Probably!

I feel like today deserves some gratitude rambling. I feel like I’ve been making bad choices for the last ten years. It’s been a VERY hard ten years, though. I lost my job a couple of times because of the economy, lost one job because a close family got very sick and I had to take of them, I had to deal with all of the anxiety of not knowing what course that illness would take (thankfully, knock on wood, it has been less severe than most), and I had my own personal medical stuff to deal with (minor, but still stuff that isn’t fun). I think my 40s will reflect that my 30s were the opposite of what they’re supposed to be: Advancing in one’s career, making enough money to eventually retire, being involved in a healthy family life, making good decisions that counter the craziness of your 20s, etc. I was a pretty responsible 20 year old (grad school, work ethic, had a healthy pregnancy and super mom stuff), so maybe my 30s were designed to be more like the average 20 something experience (full of fear, anxiety, and unpredictability). I don’t know. In any event, my 40s are going to ROCK. I’m saying it now. I’m putting it out there. I will kick ass this decade! I’m thankful that I’m still young enough that I can make these dramatic changes in my life. I want to be healthy in my old age, not bedridden or in an institution because I made really bad choices. Journaling is part of this process, I think. I hope. No, it is. I’m not going to waffle over this one…I have to keep this going.

Anyway, so I missed a day, but I had a lot to say, I guess. Here’s to today, and I’ll be back tomorrow!


So I’m down to 227. Yesterday I was at 227.2, this morning I’m at 227.4, but today is a period day. Not bad from January 1, when I was at 235? I’m working the entire week and getting lots of walking and socializing in. I’ve eaten salad. I feel like everything is on track at the moment.


Finally, I got some decent sleep last night for the first time in a few days. New Year’s Eve, I drank too much. The next night, because I didn’t have anything to drink, I was a little too overstimulated. Last night, I was finally tired enough that I slept pretty great. Too bad I didn’t go to bed early enough. I blame my kid for not wanting to wind down…so today we’re both exhausted.

This is my third “official” day of journaling, though I’ve been at it for over a week now. Feels pretty good. I’m not quite to the point of official habit, but I think I’m to the point that I feel like I need to get stuff off of my chest instead of holding it all in. Almost like I need it. It takes 21 days to make a habit, so I guess I’ll just keep going. Tying it to my morning coffee has been super effective. I pour my coffee and automatically think “oh, it’s time to write”. Now if only I this strategy would work with literally anything else.

The only thing that’s bothering me right now is that, since trying to not drink, my body is sore. Not so bad that I’m worried, but stuff that normally wouldn’t bother me is bothering me. Wine is definitely an analgesic, physical and mental. I have neck and lower back stuff that I’m working on that I do physical therapy for. Nothing serious, but definitely annoying. I’m always one of those people who takes forever to respond to PT (pain wise, even though I respond with strength faster than most people thanks to lost of muscle mass), and usually only after I’ve focused on nutrition instead of exercise. I know that’s my problem now and I can’t really do anything about it just yet.

Hoping I get even better sleep tonight and feel amazing in the morning. I am down a couple of pounds already, just counting calories. I’m not focusing on carbs yet, but I am tracking everything. I started to get overwhelmed last night, thinking about it, and reminded myself that I’m not on the hook for anything right now except for journaling. I just need to keep track of how I’m feeling. Even then, it’s not like it’s a gulag. Haha. I’m just accountable to myself. There’s nothing in it for me except it is its own reward.

And with that, I’m back to my coffee…


Now we’re at the point where I figured this whole journaling thing was going to come in handy. I realize I’ve published more than enough posts in this last week, but they were more polished, more “this is a good thing to write about”, more planned. What I’m going through now is what I need this journal for.

My son got sick a few years ago. Sick to the point of hospitalization. He’s still dealing with a chronic condition, though now it’s managed very well. When he got sick, though, I was just starting to work full time again after having been unemployed or underemployed for several years following the economic crash in 2008. I finally felt like I was doing pretty good for myself and that finally, FINALLY, life was getting good. And then he got sick and I was laid off (no FMLA because it was a small company). I felt out of control, like I didn’t have anything grounding me. I had a handful of close friends, but it was still something I couldn’t handle by myself. I wasn’t seeing my therapist, and my husband was working long hours. So I did what any mom with no outlet does…I drank wine.

I had my glass a night, which would often be two glasses. It took the edge off and let me relax because I couldn’t leave my son alone. I had to be there to take care of him. There was no daycare I could send a sick kid to. 24/7, it was my son and I, and my little glass of anxiety relief.

Once he got stable enough to send back to school, it was still really hard and I couldn’t work. There were lots of absences from school and the school district breathing down my neck…even though we had a 504 plan and all of the legal protections because he was still a very sick kid. I felt like a failure in the system I had felt like a super mom before. My kid was failing, I was failing him, and nothing was good. Except for my wine.

I clung to that glass or two a night for years. Some weeks, when things were really bad, it was three glasses a night. But mostly two. Last year, I tried several times to quit, and made it for almost two months earlier in the year, and almost a month around Thanksgiving. But then I always say, “You know, a glass out with friends shouldn’t* be a problem at all. I can do that and not drink for the rest of the week.” And, every time, I would end up picking up another bottle, sometimes on the way home from hanging out with friends, because one glass just isn’t enough, y’all! I know I’m not like the fifth-of-vodka-every-night-black-out-drunk alcoholics, but I am chemically dependent on a substance that is no longer necessary.

So here I am, with a new year presenting itself as a super pretty, glowing fresh start. The folks who run stop drinking programs always say, “Don’t think about a year from now. Start with today.” I am trying really hard to think about just this night right now, with my glass of chamomile tea right in front of me, and how I will not be drinking today. I don’t have to think about the morning, I’m just thinking about right now. This chamomile is similar in ritual…except it’s even better. It’s warm, it’s soothing, and I know it won’t leave me feeling bad later. Sure, it’s not potent as that glass of Cab, but I know the pay off of drinking this is so so much better.

I do have anxiety, much of it from the neurotransmitters in my brain having up regulated for years of having a depressant in my system that which will now need to down regulate in order to not make me go nuts. That will take months (even years) to readjust to. Which totally fucking sucks. Chamomile will help a little, but it just isn’t the same. Exercise will help. Journaling will help. Nice hot bubble baths will help. Sleep will help. Ultimately, time will help. And that’s all I can hope for. I hope I have the resolve and mental fortitude. I’m going to need it. Until then…

I’m not going to drink today.

*I just noticed after I wrote this and hit publish, that I have one “should” in this whole thing. Son of a bitch, as usual, it’s a dirty word.