Haha

I said I was back but I forgot to hit “publish” until this morning. Major fail.

Hahaha.

So here I am. It’s January 30. I think I kept 7 pounds off this month, which is pretty good. I heard back from the 23andme people on my diet plan (over two weeks later after the start of the “diet”) and they said the diet intervention was just “guidelines”. So I’m just going to eat paleo. I’ll still try to keep the carbs down, but not going to eat grains unless I have a headache or feel like I need some brown rice or beans. I can lose weight that way. It’s been hard since I’ve been wanting to eat snack chips and cheese puffs that my kid has laying around everywhere.

Other than feeling like I’m not quite feeling 100% (I have aches and pains and anxiety since quitting my wine), I think I’m doing okay. Some days are better than others.

I have one more day in January, then it’s off to February, where my focus is cutting back on electronics and trying to just be more like I was before the iPhone and Facebook. You know, where I read books, or watched TV, or exercised regularly because I had “free time”? Yeah…

Blah

Today’s my birthday, and it was a good one! I had fun, was surrounded by friends and went to dinner with my family. Very good day.

But now I’m back and realize that I have 2-ish days left on a dietbet that I haven’t lost enough weight on and it’s pissing me off. This is the second one I’ve done and haven’t lost quite enough. About a week ago, I was one pound short of my goal. Since then, I’ve been eating too many carbs (and totally not sticking to my 23andme study, either). Hopefully, my updating of that study will reflect that. Dang!

SOOOO…tomorrow it’s all salad and protein and same for Monday. Man, what a bummer. Hope I can get my weight to just below the cut off so I can get some momentum to keep going. I know this wasn’t my goal for January, but it feels like it was. Blah!

Oh well, at least I’m journaling!

New things

Just got a robot vacuum for my birthday. It’s AMAZING. I love it! Still not really sure why it makes zero sense, but I suspect after learning our house, it won’t be as nuts. It still doesn’t eliminate the need for a regular vacuum (hello stairs), but it will force me to keep the floor free of clutter so that it can do its thing, which will keep the floors clean.

In other news, I’m still totally distracted and anxious about the distractibility.

In other other news, my birthday is this weekend! Yay to being old! Hahaha.

Friendships

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I suck at female friendships.

I’m a woman. I went to school for a male-dominated career. I worked in a male-dominated field. I tend to act more like a guy. I have talked about this extensively with my therapist. She’s concluded that I tend to have a more masculine personality, at least with respect to what’s typical in relationships. All of my close friends are men, and women who tend to be friends with men and don’t have a lot of female friends.

Obviously, that’s fine, except sometimes you want to discuss things with people who are like you. So I’ve had to make close girlfriends who don’t quite fit that mold. And boy does that make me uncomfortable. They say things like, “I was thinking about you.” and “How are you feeling?” a lot more than I do and I don’t. They get mad when you don’t spend time with them, don’t call them, don’t ask them how they’re feeling. They’re needy. They’re emotional. I can’t handle it.

My closest girlfriends who I haven’t totally alienated are all science-y, techie robots like me. This has been totally fine, for the most part, for a really long time. But then, my kid got really sick a few years ago.

I wrote about priorities and life when my friends’ kid got really sick and ended up in the hospital. It made me really think about my relationships, the choices I make, and my health. But just thinking about it today, I realized that I and a bunch of my friends really stepped up and reached out to those friends of mine with the sick kid. I reached out and said “when can I come by?!” I live almost an hour north of that hospital, even though that’s where my kid had to stay for over a week once. It’s a pain in the ass and I hate traffic but I would have been there immediately if they hadn’t said, “No. It’s too soon. We don’t want visitors, yet.” No one offered to come by and visit us when we were in the hospital. Lots of people said “I’m sorry” or “Thinking of you” or “Prayers”, but no visitors. It makes me mad. It makes me sad.

Now that I’m friends with a ton of folks with the same disease my son has, obviously, that wouldn’t be the case. I’d have visitors even if I didn’t want them! But at the time…I just don’t remember any outpouring. No one offered to set up a meal delivery service or calendar for people to come by and drop off food. Shit, if someone had said, “Want us to order a pizza for you guys?” I’m sure we’d have appreciated it. But I just don’t recall anyone saying or doing that. In fact, one of our good friends was in from out of town, and we left the hospital to visit with her. It was a nice break, but damn. Come on people, be better friends.

I raise money for a charity for the disease my son has. And every year, my one friend who is super warm and really great at connecting (the perfect female friend, basically), raises the minimum (roughly $3000) within a few weeks. I love her and have no animosity toward her, so this isn’t me complaining about her. She usually ends up with $7000 or $8000 going toward our charity, which is amazing and awesome! But I’m usually one of the last folks to my minimum, right up to the wire. And I just don’t get it.

Is it because I project a certain image and personality and that’s what I get in return? Do I get back what I put out there? I don’t understand why people “love” me, but I’m, like, the “fun times” friend, not the good friend you’d sacrifice shit for. And my friends who do feel they’d sacrifice stuff for me are kind of toxic and awful in a lot of ways. Well, not all of them, obviously, but some of them. I feel like maybe I’m a shitty person and have shitty friends? I know that isn’t it, that can’t be it. But…I’m really struggling with this.

I don’t know how to connect with people well. This gets back to me and Belinda, the coach from hell. She told me I was a bad person for trying to connect through the one thing I know how to: Science. Facts. Things. Not things that people typically connect over: Feelings. People. Relationships. I try to help. I try to be a good person. But I feel emotionally stunted in that way. It feels bad. I want more F in my Myers Briggs. I’m a T, all of the way.

From that link:

  • I believe telling the truth is more important than being tactful.
  • Sometimes I miss or don’t value the “people” part of a situation.
  • I can be seen as too task-oriented, uncaring, or indifferent.

Ugh.

I hope people don’t see me as uncaring or indifferent. How can I be so good with dealing with people in an audience, but seen as a robot? People LOVE me in an speaker-audience situation, it’s why I’m so great at teaching. Why this weird disconnect? I am struggling so hard with this and just hate it.

Funk

I’m in a funk.

If I’m not working, I wake up in the morning between 7 and 7:30. Take my kid to school. I am home by 8:20.

I then proceed to sit on my butt at my desk and do nothing but surf the web, mainly while trolling Facebook and Twitter, and do absolutely NOTHING useful. For about 4-5 hours. Then I eat. Then I come home and do it again. Oh my God, it’s the worst feeling. I mean, I hate having to bow to pressure and deadlines and deal with bureaucracy (most jobs/work), but the feeling of absolute sloth at doing nothing feels awful. Really, really, REALLY AWFUL.

As I laid out in this post at the end of 2017, I had some goals for the coming year:

  • 30 day goal: Journal every single day.
  • 60 day goal: I’d like to work hard on my eating.
  • 90 day goal: Break a sweat for 30 minutes every damn day.
  • 120 day goal: Money.
  • 150 day goal: Focus on clutter.
  • 180 day goal: Start doing some serious photography again.

I totally kicked that 30 day goal’s ass. I know I have a week left in January, but I started journaling the last week of December, so I’m very happy with how that goal turned out. It was my only real “resolution” for 2018.

I gave up drinking, too, and have mainly focused on my eating. So for my 30-60 day goal, which included those two items, I think I’m going to scrap them and update this 60 day goal to be one of reducing screen time. I sincerely feel that will make my life so much better and make those other goals more sustainable.

To do this, I have an app on my computer: Self-Control. I also have an app on my phone: Forest. Self-Control is much more draconian. You can’t shut it off, even with a reboot. Forest is nicer…it uses positive reinforcement. Obviously, Self-Control is much more effective. LOL

As I get into the end of January, I’ll start to come up with a schedule, set boundaries, make plans and really focus on cutting back on screen time. It’s having a negative effect on my mental and physical health and it’s totally freaking useless! Okay, honestly, it’s not all useless. I have to be honest here. When my son was super duper sick in elementary school, I had to stay at home with him and I couldn’t leave the house. At all. It was my absolute lifeline. I don’t know what I would have done without social media back then. But now…I have multiple social outlets and I do get to work most days if I want to. I have a lot more of a support network than I did. It’s better. (Now that I’m thinking about it, thinking back to that time when he was in the hospital…I have lots of feelings about it that I really need to write about. Yay, journaling!) But anyway…right now, social media is killing my health and making me grumpy. I will reduce it and make it a force for good. Fingers crossed!

Easily offended

OMG, I’m tired of easily offended people!

For the Myers Briggs fans, I’m an ENTP, so I love to argue and am pretty much the least likely person to get offended if I feel someone is presenting a great argument. The moment you start attacking me (e.g. not arguing about a topic anymore, just attacking me), then I get offended. I love having great discussions and just getting into it with people who are like-minded.

There are two people in my Facebook list who I’m friends with who are not like me AT ALL in that regard.

One is a former BFF who I have distanced myself from because she’s kind of toxic. I feel like when we would go hang out, I’d have to put on my kid gloves and not be authentically honest with her. It just was no longer that comfortable “You get me!” relationship and more of a “How can I keep her entertained without offending her” relationship. It was exhausting. Whenever I’d post something on her wall that she didn’t agree with, instead of engaging, she’d write “Okay.” And now that I don’t engage with her anymore, but still stupidly read her interactions with her other “friends”, I can tell shit’s about to go down when she starts typing “Okay.” It means she’s angry, she’s pissed, and she totally doesn’t agree with what you’re saying. But that doesn’t come out so great in the nuance-less written world. If you were arguing in person it would be like, “Okay, she’s pissed…I’m gonna go now”. Man, it cracks me up just reading that…but it’s painful because she’s a bitch about it. I wish I could stop being her “friend”, but I have reasons.

The other is a current friend who is in my extended friends group. We have many close friends in common. I feel way better about my relationship with her, but still kind of have to be careful about how I interact sometimes. Every now and then, there will be a public post on Facebook from, say, NPR or the NY Times or whatever. If it has anything to do with feminism or women’s rights, she’ll seek out the random dudes in the comments section and just lay into them. Not even remotely trying to have a good discussion but bullying and abusing them just for existing. She cannot turn it off. It just spews from her. It’s pretty awful.

For both of these women, I know they’ve both been victimized in the past. They are both rape survivors. They are both creatives. They both have a history of having been diagnosed with various mental disorders. I think one is bipolar, and the other is probably as well though hangs out in the severe clinical depression side of things. They both have these manic episodes where they just kind of go nuts about ideas or people. They’re both smart and have moments of wonderfulness. But hoooooooo boy…don’t get on their bad side.

So…what to do. I really don’t know. I really like the latter and just tend to compartmentalize my interactions with her so I can tolerate her. The former has lied to and hurt me in the past, so I’m just leaving her at arm’s length. I’m not going to beat myself up over being her friend. I try to be a positive force in her life, but I just can’t interact with her that much anymore. It’s exhausting and hate the way I feel after dealing with her these days.

It’s pretty rare for me to find a friend who is not only somewhat extroverted but also loves to get into great discussions and be offensive and not get offended. One of my best friends in that regard moved to California this week. She and I are both friends with the second example above. And she has a good friend she’s trying to distance herself from who is almost exactly like my first friend example. We’re so similar, but she’s judgy and organized (ENTJ), and I’m a arm-wavy perceiver (I love Myers Briggs…LOL).

In other news (boy, I sure am in a writing mood…) the scale kind of went up this morning. it’s the day after my period ended and I even worked out a couple of days ago, so I have no idea why. Even though the 23andme people want me to eat grains, I think I’m going to go off and just do potatoes. I mean, overall, I’m still lower than I started at the beginning of January, but it’s making me grumpy that I haven’t lost more weight. But hey, you know, I’m not drinking, I’m journaling every day, I’m getting exercise, I’m focusing on nutrition…overall, I’m kicking ass! I need to remember that! And I’m successfully avoiding the use of the word “should”! HAHA!

Gratitude journaling is good for you!

Just saw this today: Writing a daily diary can literally change your brain.

From the article:

In a new study, researchers found a notable change in the brains of 16 women who wrote daily about gratitude in an online journal.

Compared to 17 other women who wrote about neutral topics, the gratitude group was more likely to take pleasure watching a donation going to Food for Lane County rather than receiving the money themselves.

Researchers captured the evidence with MRI scans of the women’s brains as they viewed such giving at the beginning of the study and again after three weeks of journaling. The scans detected changes in oxygen metabolism in cells in the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, an area deep in the brain.

Looks like a this is a great idea. I guess it’s time to include something to be thankful for in each of my journal entries going forward. 🙂

Today I’m thankful for having this space to blather on about the world. I’m also thankful that I’ve lost 10 pounds so far this month. My clothes are fitting better, I’m sleeping better, and overall I feel a lot better. Still have some anxiety and aches and pains, but I’m hoping that, over the next few months, that will all start to get better.

Missed another day

Last night, while I was in bed with my eyes shut, I realized that I didn’t log anything in the morning because I was literally gone all day, except for about 20 minutes around lunch, and 20 minutes around dinner. And I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

But yeah, last night, while my head was on the pillow, I knew this and said to myself, “I am mentally journaling right now. My journal entry would be “I’m journaling.” Haha.

But today, here I am. Not much to say other than I’m down several pounds and making good choices. Yeehaw!