Focus schmocus

I feel like an over-caffeinated border collie lately. I need coffee to help me focus, but then I’m unable to wind down, so I need a glass of wine to get to sleep, then I need more coffee to help me wake up. It’s a seriously vicious cycle.

Not really sure how the whole “tracking all of money” thing is going. Oh wait, yeah I do. It’s not. But I had fun this weekend with my kiddo, so I know it was money well spent. It was pretty cheap, too. I know some people go on pricey vacations. My kid and I drive around and take in the beauty that is living in one of the most scenic places on earth.

So what am I doing right now? I don’t know. I have piles of old bills (paid) that were in a folder that just kind of cascaded down like a landslide. You know that opening scene from Idiocracy where the landfill fails? Yeah, kind of feeling like that right now. LOL

Money money money

Yesterday I ate out twice, even though I have food to eat at home. I’m trying to think of how I should start tracking this. Maybe track how much I’m spending on food for a week and then try to beat it with a new low number each week? Make it a game?

Why do I lose steam so easily? I feel like I have the chutzpah to get things going, so why I can’t I stick with something. I guess I can’t say that I fail every single time. Maybe a 50/50 sort of thing. I was able to stop drinking in January and February, and I’m back on the wagon after only one month off. I was able to journal here for an entire month, kept it up mostly for the month of January, and then fell off the wagon for March. I was doing okay with my weight loss efforts in January and February and then…fell off the wagon in March. Okay, I’m sensing a theme here. What did I do differently in March that I didn’t do otherwise? Was it the journaling?

Or maybe I shouldn’t see all these supposed failures as failures. (Yes, I used “shouldn’t”, I know, but here I think it’s okay.) Maybe this is gray area talking instead of black and white thinking. Kind of a two steps forward one step back, which is what’s really needed for long term success at any major life overhaul?

I do feel like I’m struggling, but am far better off and far healthier than I was last year or even three or five years ago. Maybe even ten years ago. I have the mental maturity to be dealing with this stuff that was just too hard a few years ago. Sadly, I don’t feel any less anxious than I did. Maybe that’s just part of being human.

Feeling better

Back to my mostly sober life. It’s getting that first night of not having a glass of wine that gets me. After that, it’s surprisingly easy. My two glasses of wine every night really is a solid, relaxing habit. Man, dopamine sure is a bitch.

I ate entirely at home yesterday. Made those little egg and cheese muffins I like to eat in the mornings, made a giant pot of soup from one chicken (and still have a chicken breast leftover). I have a whole week of meals planned. Just hope I can stick to it. The pull of tasty fast food really gets me sometimes. It’s not that I can’t eat healthy, it’s that it always seems so much tastier than what I can make at home. Probably because it’s chock full of MSG and other crap. But man, I looked at my credit card bill recently, and holy shit is it expensive to eat out. Just one person every now and then isn’t so bad, but every single day/meal with two or more…ugh. I hate the lack of variety and getting out of the house that eating at home entails, but it’s better for me, better for my wallet, and gives me more time to socialize at work.

So far so good.

Flailing

I did such a kick ass job journaling for most of January and February. March started and I just flailed. I got one post in during the entire month of March. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, but I am going to recalibrate and figure out what went wrong.

I was sober all of January and February. Then I went to New Orleans for a half marathon. It was an awesome experience and I enjoyed myself, but two things happened: 1) I got disenchanted with some friends of mine and 2) I drank. Once I had some beverages, I told myself, “Oh, I’ll only do this on the weekends”. That lasted about a week. Then I was having a half bottle of wine four days a week. And just this last week, I switched it up to everyday.

You can guess what the result was: Weight gain. I think I started out this year at 229. As of yesterday, i was at 231.2. Drinking and I do not mix. Drinking makes me gain weight. And not the kind of overall, “healthy” (if you can call it that) weight, but abdominal fat.

One good thing about March, my goal was to move more. I got really good with that, but not every day. A goal is to keep doing that. Maybe go to the gym three days a week, get some actually classes in (I’m thinking spin, for some cross training to give certain muscles a rest), and walking the rest of the time. I even got a walk in with the hubby this weekend. I enjoyed it even though it was miserably wet and kind of cold.

So here we are, in April. My goal, at the start of the year, was money.

120 day goal: Money. I need to seriously start saving and planning for retirement. Hopefully, I’ll be working enough to finally make that happen.

This is more important right now because I need to save money to go back to school. The great thing about this goal is that I’ll need to do meal planning, which will help with my weight, and money. Planning has always been a weak spot for me…the only way to get better at it is to practice!

Blah

I think I’ve used this as a journal entry title several times. I really am feeling pretty blah today, though.

I’m not really getting anywhere on my social media detox. I really want to quit some of this stuff and use it a bit less, but then I feel isolated and blah.

I don’t really know what to do. I guess noting that I have a problem is an important step, isn’t it?

One good thing, though. I haven’t had a drink in 43 days. My little “quit that” tracker tells me that I’ve saved approximately $172. That’s awesome!

Yahoo!

January is SOOOOO OOOOOOVVVVVERRRRRR.

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I kicked ass! My only real goal was to make journaling a solid habit and…here we are.

The 6th was actually posted on the day of, but I posted from my phone and the calendar was wonky as a result, so it registered on the day after.

A few of the days I missed in the last couple of weeks I actually “mentally journaled” from bed. I think the only day I really missed without registering anything on the matter was the 28th. Just didn’t get it in because I was brain dead.

I am solidly stoked!

Now that I have this journaling thing down, I think it’s time to start limiting my social media consumption. I was hoping to make February my month for tweaking my diet and losing some serious weight, but just giving up wine in January has helped me drop almost ten pounds. I think if I stay off the sauce and keep my carb intake low, while really focusing on nutrition…it will come off slowly. Maybe that’s not what I want, but it’s the best thing for me. Right?

Yay for good things!

Did I forget a day?

OMG I FORGOT A DAY!!!

Old Me, who would have thought in black and white terms, with no grey area, would be screaming right now. There would be a ton of “should” statements.

New Me says “fuck it”.

At least I have the routine in place. I do like journaling. It makes me feel good, I enjoy it, and I honestly need it at this point. I needed something to replace the wine and snacking, something for my anxiety. I’m down almost 10 pounds from the start of the new year and haven’t had any wine for almost three weeks! Sweet. Part of me does wonder if the weight loss is solely from not drinking. Probably!

I feel like today deserves some gratitude rambling. I feel like I’ve been making bad choices for the last ten years. It’s been a VERY hard ten years, though. I lost my job a couple of times because of the economy, lost one job because a close family got very sick and I had to take of them, I had to deal with all of the anxiety of not knowing what course that illness would take (thankfully, knock on wood, it has been less severe than most), and I had my own personal medical stuff to deal with (minor, but still stuff that isn’t fun). I think my 40s will reflect that my 30s were the opposite of what they’re supposed to be: Advancing in one’s career, making enough money to eventually retire, being involved in a healthy family life, making good decisions that counter the craziness of your 20s, etc. I was a pretty responsible 20 year old (grad school, work ethic, had a healthy pregnancy and super mom stuff), so maybe my 30s were designed to be more like the average 20 something experience (full of fear, anxiety, and unpredictability). I don’t know. In any event, my 40s are going to ROCK. I’m saying it now. I’m putting it out there. I will kick ass this decade! I’m thankful that I’m still young enough that I can make these dramatic changes in my life. I want to be healthy in my old age, not bedridden or in an institution because I made really bad choices. Journaling is part of this process, I think. I hope. No, it is. I’m not going to waffle over this one…I have to keep this going.

Anyway, so I missed a day, but I had a lot to say, I guess. Here’s to today, and I’ll be back tomorrow!

Still at it

I’m really proud of myself. I have consistently been journaling for 15 days, plus all of the last week or so of December. That’s a good run!

The one thing I’m kind of bummed about right now is that because I stopped drinking, I feel like I’m feeling aches and pains a whole lot more. I think my body was reliant on my two glasses of wine a night and all of those neurotransmitters in my brain and body upregulated. So now I feel pain and anxiety more. Though I do think, overall, the anxiety is getting better and better. I’m hoping I can rely more on exercise and other healthy things instead of that. But I don’t know if I’ll ever become a less anxious person.

Apple Watch is way more data intensive than the Fitbit. It gives you all of the details, even the ones you don’t really care about. As a total data and visualization nerd, I love it! Still getting used to it but overall, I really like it.

Intervention

I’m doing this 23andme thing and so far, it’s pretty straightforward and not terribly difficult. This is the first day that I’ve really stuck to it. And I just realized that it’s late afternoon and I’m craving salty crunchy things. I just had a handful of chocolate covered almonds (I’m allowed to have almonds, and I’m allowed to have dark chocolate). It hit the spot. But I still want cheese or something (which is allowed, hallelujah!).

That’s my journal entry for today. LOL