Frenemies

I’m just a mess lately. We’ll just leave the goal setting part of this blog at that. Trying to cut back on everything, trying to exercise and get fit…it all feels like it isn’t working, like I’m just going to be a fat, addicted, scattered, no direction in life kind of gal forever. That might be true. And I’d hate to think that, that I just spend my whole life worrying about stupid shit and not getting to the marrow, the stuff that matters…that’s depressing as fuck.

Deep breath.

So now, I’m taking a break from goal-setting and getting to some navel gazing.

I have this frenemy, who used to be my BFF. We’ll call her Ellie. Ellie and I used to do a lot of fun stuff together. We had our kids around the same time, so she was my first real close friend during those first motherhood years when everything is crazy and you just don’t know what’s going to happen but you’re exhausted and need a village. We spent a lot of time doing playdates and having coffee. By the time our kids were a little older (4 or 5?), she totally lied to me. And then lied that she lied. I had to cut her off. Then we were friends again, but I told her if she did this kind of shit again, I’d have to cut her off again. Things were pretty great and then she stopped interacting with me on social media. So I stopped interacting with her. This made her CRAZY. She couldn’t handle that I was doing the same thing back. She crazily started posting on my wall and my husband’s wall whenever he says something, and then I think she realized that it was just…whatever it is. And that’s where we are now. I just don’t talk to her anymore. I think it’s been about a year. We’re still “friends” on Facebook, but that’s it.

I wish I had seen this sooner. She would talk shit about mutual friends and about how she wanted to dump them. “I’m been meaning to do the slow fade out with her” was what she said about one. But she would keep her hanging on and still talk shit about her. Ugh. This is a person who has no malevolent bone in her entire body. She’s a little naive, but she’s the sweetest person. I just don’t get it. How can you go through life talking shit about people and then expect that others won’t pick up on it? Enjoy your friends who share your shit-talking ways, Ellie.

I’m starting to finally get that some people are obsessed with everything bad and can’t just get it into their head that life isn’t always awful. They create drama where there is none. They’re always the victim when they’re actually really well-off and have everything going for them. I have several people in my life like this. They are just…UGH! They constantly complain, they’re always the victim, it’s always someone else’s fault, they didn’t do anything wrong. Blah blah blah.

And then there are the folks whose lives are literally falling apart, and yet they just show up and they’re rock solid and they don’t complain constantly. They’re a source of joy and happiness. They don’t make you feel bad about yourself…they make you laugh. You want to hug them, they’re just so full of life. They don’t ask for anything. They’re just positive. And it really seems to make a difference.

It just blows me away at how much your attitude determines your outlook.

I’m glad I’m starting to distance myself from those folks in my life who just suck the life out of me. I need to do a bit more of that. I need more positivity in my life. People who show me that just being positive and doing the right thing is a good thing. (Edited to add, I wrote about these people before…yay?)

Anyway, I’m not ready to dump the baddies one-hundred percent. But I am glad I’m realizing that some folks are better for me than others.

Focus schmocus

I feel like an over-caffeinated border collie lately. I need coffee to help me focus, but then I’m unable to wind down, so I need a glass of wine to get to sleep, then I need more coffee to help me wake up. It’s a seriously vicious cycle.

Not really sure how the whole “tracking all of money” thing is going. Oh wait, yeah I do. It’s not. But I had fun this weekend with my kiddo, so I know it was money well spent. It was pretty cheap, too. I know some people go on pricey vacations. My kid and I drive around and take in the beauty that is living in one of the most scenic places on earth.

So what am I doing right now? I don’t know. I have piles of old bills (paid) that were in a folder that just kind of cascaded down like a landslide. You know that opening scene from Idiocracy where the landfill fails? Yeah, kind of feeling like that right now. LOL

Flailing

I did such a kick ass job journaling for most of January and February. March started and I just flailed. I got one post in during the entire month of March. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, but I am going to recalibrate and figure out what went wrong.

I was sober all of January and February. Then I went to New Orleans for a half marathon. It was an awesome experience and I enjoyed myself, but two things happened: 1) I got disenchanted with some friends of mine and 2) I drank. Once I had some beverages, I told myself, “Oh, I’ll only do this on the weekends”. That lasted about a week. Then I was having a half bottle of wine four days a week. And just this last week, I switched it up to everyday.

You can guess what the result was: Weight gain. I think I started out this year at 229. As of yesterday, i was at 231.2. Drinking and I do not mix. Drinking makes me gain weight. And not the kind of overall, “healthy” (if you can call it that) weight, but abdominal fat.

One good thing about March, my goal was to move more. I got really good with that, but not every day. A goal is to keep doing that. Maybe go to the gym three days a week, get some actually classes in (I’m thinking spin, for some cross training to give certain muscles a rest), and walking the rest of the time. I even got a walk in with the hubby this weekend. I enjoyed it even though it was miserably wet and kind of cold.

So here we are, in April. My goal, at the start of the year, was money.

120 day goal: Money. I need to seriously start saving and planning for retirement. Hopefully, I’ll be working enough to finally make that happen.

This is more important right now because I need to save money to go back to school. The great thing about this goal is that I’ll need to do meal planning, which will help with my weight, and money. Planning has always been a weak spot for me…the only way to get better at it is to practice!

Anxiety

Ok, my social media addiction is really starting to give me anxiety. I’ve been online since 8:15. It’s now 11:45. That’s 3.5 hours that I haven’t done anything particularly useful. Let’s see what my activity has been. Scroll through and feel the time waste!

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It gives me anxiety just LOOKING at it. So much freaking wasted time.

So what to do about it? I think that will have to be the next post because this is just so massive with all of the pictures.