I’m just a mess lately. We’ll just leave the goal setting part of this blog at that. Trying to cut back on everything, trying to exercise and get fit…it all feels like it isn’t working, like I’m just going to be a fat, addicted, scattered, no direction in life kind of gal forever. That might be true. And I’d hate to think that, that I just spend my whole life worrying about stupid shit and not getting to the marrow, the stuff that matters…that’s depressing as fuck.

Deep breath.

So now, I’m taking a break from goal-setting and getting to some navel gazing.

I have this frenemy, who used to be my BFF. We’ll call her Ellie. Ellie and I used to do a lot of fun stuff together. We had our kids around the same time, so she was my first real close friend during those first motherhood years when everything is crazy and you just don’t know what’s going to happen but you’re exhausted and need a village. We spent a lot of time doing playdates and having coffee. By the time our kids were a little older (4 or 5?), she totally lied to me. And then lied that she lied. I had to cut her off. Then we were friends again, but I told her if she did this kind of shit again, I’d have to cut her off again. Things were pretty great and then she stopped interacting with me on social media. So I stopped interacting with her. This made her CRAZY. She couldn’t handle that I was doing the same thing back. She crazily started posting on my wall and my husband’s wall whenever he says something, and then I think she realized that it was just…whatever it is. And that’s where we are now. I just don’t talk to her anymore. I think it’s been about a year. We’re still “friends” on Facebook, but that’s it.

I wish I had seen this sooner. She would talk shit about mutual friends and about how she wanted to dump them. “I’m been meaning to do the slow fade out with her” was what she said about one. But she would keep her hanging on and still talk shit about her. Ugh. This is a person who has no malevolent bone in her entire body. She’s a little naive, but she’s the sweetest person. I just don’t get it. How can you go through life talking shit about people and then expect that others won’t pick up on it? Enjoy your friends who share your shit-talking ways, Ellie.

I’m starting to finally get that some people are obsessed with everything bad and can’t just get it into their head that life isn’t always awful. They create drama where there is none. They’re always the victim when they’re actually really well-off and have everything going for them. I have several people in my life like this. They are just…UGH! They constantly complain, they’re always the victim, it’s always someone else’s fault, they didn’t do anything wrong. Blah blah blah.

And then there are the folks whose lives are literally falling apart, and yet they just show up and they’re rock solid and they don’t complain constantly. They’re a source of joy and happiness. They don’t make you feel bad about yourself…they make you laugh. You want to hug them, they’re just so full of life. They don’t ask for anything. They’re just positive. And it really seems to make a difference.

It just blows me away at how much your attitude determines your outlook.

I’m glad I’m starting to distance myself from those folks in my life who just suck the life out of me. I need to do a bit more of that. I need more positivity in my life. People who show me that just being positive and doing the right thing is a good thing. (Edited to add, I wrote about these people before…yay?)

Anyway, I’m not ready to dump the baddies one-hundred percent. But I am glad I’m realizing that some folks are better for me than others.

Easily offended

OMG, I’m tired of easily offended people!

For the Myers Briggs fans, I’m an ENTP, so I love to argue and am pretty much the least likely person to get offended if I feel someone is presenting a great argument. The moment you start attacking me (e.g. not arguing about a topic anymore, just attacking me), then I get offended. I love having great discussions and just getting into it with people who are like-minded.

There are two people in my Facebook list who I’m friends with who are not like me AT ALL in that regard.

One is a former BFF who I have distanced myself from because she’s kind of toxic. I feel like when we would go hang out, I’d have to put on my kid gloves and not be authentically honest with her. It just was no longer that comfortable “You get me!” relationship and more of a “How can I keep her entertained without offending her” relationship. It was exhausting. Whenever I’d post something on her wall that she didn’t agree with, instead of engaging, she’d write “Okay.” And now that I don’t engage with her anymore, but still stupidly read her interactions with her other “friends”, I can tell shit’s about to go down when she starts typing “Okay.” It means she’s angry, she’s pissed, and she totally doesn’t agree with what you’re saying. But that doesn’t come out so great in the nuance-less written world. If you were arguing in person it would be like, “Okay, she’s pissed…I’m gonna go now”. Man, it cracks me up just reading that…but it’s painful because she’s a bitch about it. I wish I could stop being her “friend”, but I have reasons.

The other is a current friend who is in my extended friends group. We have many close friends in common. I feel way better about my relationship with her, but still kind of have to be careful about how I interact sometimes. Every now and then, there will be a public post on Facebook from, say, NPR or the NY Times or whatever. If it has anything to do with feminism or women’s rights, she’ll seek out the random dudes in the comments section and just lay into them. Not even remotely trying to have a good discussion but bullying and abusing them just for existing. She cannot turn it off. It just spews from her. It’s pretty awful.

For both of these women, I know they’ve both been victimized in the past. They are both rape survivors. They are both creatives. They both have a history of having been diagnosed with various mental disorders. I think one is bipolar, and the other is probably as well though hangs out in the severe clinical depression side of things. They both have these manic episodes where they just kind of go nuts about ideas or people. They’re both smart and have moments of wonderfulness. But hoooooooo boy…don’t get on their bad side.

So…what to do. I really don’t know. I really like the latter and just tend to compartmentalize my interactions with her so I can tolerate her. The former has lied to and hurt me in the past, so I’m just leaving her at arm’s length. I’m not going to beat myself up over being her friend. I try to be a positive force in her life, but I just can’t interact with her that much anymore. It’s exhausting and hate the way I feel after dealing with her these days.

It’s pretty rare for me to find a friend who is not only somewhat extroverted but also loves to get into great discussions and be offensive and not get offended. One of my best friends in that regard moved to California this week. She and I are both friends with the second example above. And she has a good friend she’s trying to distance herself from who is almost exactly like my first friend example. We’re so similar, but she’s judgy and organized (ENTJ), and I’m a arm-wavy perceiver (I love Myers Briggs…LOL).

In other news (boy, I sure am in a writing mood…) the scale kind of went up this morning. it’s the day after my period ended and I even worked out a couple of days ago, so I have no idea why. Even though the 23andme people want me to eat grains, I think I’m going to go off and just do potatoes. I mean, overall, I’m still lower than I started at the beginning of January, but it’s making me grumpy that I haven’t lost more weight. But hey, you know, I’m not drinking, I’m journaling every day, I’m getting exercise, I’m focusing on nutrition…overall, I’m kicking ass! I need to remember that! And I’m successfully avoiding the use of the word “should”! HAHA!


I’ve come to finally appreciate this whole journaling thing. Maybe I am changing my brain.

A cursory glance at Facebook this morning and I’m shaking my damn head and jumping over here to complain about how awful people are.

My father in law posts racist and misogynist stuff. And then my husband’s godmother will jump in and post things about “those animals” or “those whores”. If these are people who are related to the man I love (and thankfully, he rejects most of the unsavoriness that is his dad), then what about the poor, uneducated bastards of the world. I would unfollow him completely, and probably should. He’s just…it’s not worth it to see that stuff in my feed every day, that really makes me mad. Like, I could feel my pulse quickening, my stomach churning a little.

Oh shit, there’s another should.

You know what, I just did it. Immediately after I typed that paragraph, I went into Facebook just now and hit “unfollow”. He can still follow stuff I post, the photos I post of my kiddo, updates about the family. But I don’t have to be subjected to the racist and misogynist garbage on his Facebook page.

And because I complained about it (Vaguebook style), a friend of mine who I haven’t heard much from in forever commented and I messaged her about it. We agreed to have breakfast in a few days. Glad I did something good about the whole thing because it paid off in more ways than I expected. Sweet!

In other news, this whole “just do it” attitude is really paying off. I got off of the computer yesterday after my cranky pants rant about my ADHD and not getting anything done yesterday. I am pleased to say I totally cleaned out and reorganized my pantry. Go me! Yay for journaling and being more aware of my feelings!