I’m just a mess lately. We’ll just leave the goal setting part of this blog at that. Trying to cut back on everything, trying to exercise and get fit…it all feels like it isn’t working, like I’m just going to be a fat, addicted, scattered, no direction in life kind of gal forever. That might be true. And I’d hate to think that, that I just spend my whole life worrying about stupid shit and not getting to the marrow, the stuff that matters…that’s depressing as fuck.

Deep breath.

So now, I’m taking a break from goal-setting and getting to some navel gazing.

I have this frenemy, who used to be my BFF. We’ll call her Ellie. Ellie and I used to do a lot of fun stuff together. We had our kids around the same time, so she was my first real close friend during those first motherhood years when everything is crazy and you just don’t know what’s going to happen but you’re exhausted and need a village. We spent a lot of time doing playdates and having coffee. By the time our kids were a little older (4 or 5?), she totally lied to me. And then lied that she lied. I had to cut her off. Then we were friends again, but I told her if she did this kind of shit again, I’d have to cut her off again. Things were pretty great and then she stopped interacting with me on social media. So I stopped interacting with her. This made her CRAZY. She couldn’t handle that I was doing the same thing back. She crazily started posting on my wall and my husband’s wall whenever he says something, and then I think she realized that it was just…whatever it is. And that’s where we are now. I just don’t talk to her anymore. I think it’s been about a year. We’re still “friends” on Facebook, but that’s it.

I wish I had seen this sooner. She would talk shit about mutual friends and about how she wanted to dump them. “I’m been meaning to do the slow fade out with her” was what she said about one. But she would keep her hanging on and still talk shit about her. Ugh. This is a person who has no malevolent bone in her entire body. She’s a little naive, but she’s the sweetest person. I just don’t get it. How can you go through life talking shit about people and then expect that others won’t pick up on it? Enjoy your friends who share your shit-talking ways, Ellie.

I’m starting to finally get that some people are obsessed with everything bad and can’t just get it into their head that life isn’t always awful. They create drama where there is none. They’re always the victim when they’re actually really well-off and have everything going for them. I have several people in my life like this. They are just…UGH! They constantly complain, they’re always the victim, it’s always someone else’s fault, they didn’t do anything wrong. Blah blah blah.

And then there are the folks whose lives are literally falling apart, and yet they just show up and they’re rock solid and they don’t complain constantly. They’re a source of joy and happiness. They don’t make you feel bad about yourself…they make you laugh. You want to hug them, they’re just so full of life. They don’t ask for anything. They’re just positive. And it really seems to make a difference.

It just blows me away at how much your attitude determines your outlook.

I’m glad I’m starting to distance myself from those folks in my life who just suck the life out of me. I need to do a bit more of that. I need more positivity in my life. People who show me that just being positive and doing the right thing is a good thing. (Edited to add, I wrote about these people before…yay?)

Anyway, I’m not ready to dump the baddies one-hundred percent. But I am glad I’m realizing that some folks are better for me than others.